Relationships: What Hasn't Worked For Me

In every relationship there are trials. You either work through them or you don't. If you love someone you work through them, no matter what. It takes two to work through them. An sometimes, you find you're the only one fighting for the relationship. Sometimes, you find that you're in a relationship with a complete and total douche face. That's happened to me WAY too many times. But, I have to say, I learned a lot from them. I learned what to avoid. I learned what signs to watch out for. Unfortunately, I learned to be a paranoid little freak when it comes to men. Most importantly, I learned who I am and what I deserve.

I had some bad ones. And, by bad I mean men who should have been locked away for life or just shot on sight. We're talking the worst of the worst. I can't find the right words to describe them. Asshole just doesn't cover it. I have been beaten within an inch of my life. I've taken over 100 punches to the head by a grown man. I've been choked, had my cheek broken, bone chips in my legs, pans of boiling things thrown at me (I ducked the grease, but the ravioli made contact), stabbed, shot at, stalked, hit with my own car, etc etc.  A couple of days ago someone who doesn't know me said I needed to educate myself on abuse. Holy crap that was a mix of hysterical laughter and raging anger. Me? Not educated on abuse? Yeah frelling right!!!! I have first hand education. And let me tell you, each of those men was a con artist, ass-face, turd burgling, MEGA DOUCHE!

So what, exactly have I learned? Well, I've learned that a background check is a damn good thing and must be done. I learned that you never, never, never let a man that you think you care about pressure you into sex because you feel guilty about saying no. If they really care, there will be no guilt. If you let them have you when you don't want to, you will resent them forever. And you have reason to. I learned that they won't stop at once if they've hit you. You should run, and run fast. I learned that people can get addicted to anything, even rehab. Avoid those people at all costs. I've learned that instinct is a good thing. Listen to it. I've learned that you can't fix a relationship by yourself, and sometimes it isn't worth fixing. I learned that if you try and the other person does not, when the relationship ends, you did not fail. I learned that I am me and should stay me. Never change who you really are because someone else wants you to. Changing bad habits is one thing. Changing your personality is out of the question. I learned that the slogan "You can't truly love someone else until you love yourself" is true, but on a much deeper level than people usually take it.

I am who I should be. And who ever is with me has to accept that. Just as I have to accept him for who he is. Flaws and all.  Granted, my husbands flaws drive me bat shit crazy. Mine drive him crazy too. But, we don't hide that from each other. He knows which of his flaws bug me, and I know which of mine bug him. There was a time in our relationship when communication failed. We stopped...well, HE stopped communicating the important things, and we nearly lost it. That was fixed though. Trust is very important, and I have trust issues. Serious trust issues. But I'm trying. I'm working on it. I've only recently learned that he has the same issues on a lesser level. I saw jealousy for the first time from him 2 nights ago, when he got upset over a friend flirting with me on FB. No, I don't flirt back. If the Hub does something that I consider disrespectful, I tell him. And, I do all I can to avoid disrespecting him. We are polite to each other, saying thank you and you're welcome, please, etc. Too many people take that for granted and forget to be polite. We don't skimp on the "I love you"s. We don't take each other for granted, because we know how fast it can all fall apart, and how we feel when it does. So far, that's all working out pretty well. Of course we fight. Every couple does at some point. If you haven't yet, you will. We have problems, but we won't let them kill us. We aren't happy with the state of our lives, but we are happy with each other. He lets me be me. He's happy with the nerd that I am, the smart ass that I am and the Virgo that I am.

It hasn't always been that way. Not for me. In past relationships I was told that I was worthless, stupid, lazy, ugly, the works. It wasn't nice, and I believed it. I felt like less than a person. They thought that beating me down, making me think no one else would ever want me was the way to keep me there. They were wrong. "You're nothing without me." "You live in a fantasy world if you think you can make it without me." "Why don't you dress like her?" "Why don't you look like her?" "That looks better on her." "No one would ever love you, I don't even know why I do. You're lucky you have me."  Oh, yes. I've heard some good ones. I was stupid. I was stupid for believing it. I didn't STAY stupid. I got the hell out. Guss what, guys? Those little tidbits are NOT the way to keep a relationship going. Neither is physical abuse. Those are the main topics, so they get covered first.

What else doesn't work? Disappearing. Like, going into your own little world and tuning out your mate. This can be books, music, video games, anything. We all need an escape every once in a while. But, not all day every day. If you give your mate some of your time, they will respect you for it. For most women that emotional connection is the most important. And, when you deny us that, you start the process of ending your relationship. Savvy? Put down the game controller and pick up your partners hand! Kiss with emotion. Be romantic every so often. Granted too much romance, too much sap can be, well, too much. My Hub is the king of anti romance, but, even he caves on occasion. If you give gifts put thought into it. Or better yet, make it! Be a shoulder. Be a partner, equal in all things. Be a confidant. Be trustworthy. LISTEN to each other. Actively listening means so much. Let the little things go. Don't blow up over the smallest little fault. Things happen, people make mistakes. Let them. It happens. It doesn't mean you have to rip each others throats out over things that are meaningless. So your mate ate the last piece of pizza that you wanted for lunch. So what? Find something else and hope he/she enjoyed it! It all comes down to being there for one another. Be considerate. Say you know your mate is sitting at home with not but tap water to drink and you, an your way home, stop by the store for a drink. Get them one too! Don't come home with a giant 60oz fountain drink of something they hate and nothing for them. It's rude, among other things. If you see something they would like, you can afford it, and it calls to you, get it. Do NOT be controlling. Some people can stand to be controlled. I, however, am not one of those people. Tell me what to do, how to live, who to be friends with, where I can and can't go, what I can and can't say, who to be just once! I dare you. Respect each other, first and foremost.

I'm not one to be giving relationship advice. Mine has had it's rocky moments. My past has been a landslide. But, I know what doesn't work. For me anyway.