Homicidal Cell Phone

^ That's my phone, alright. 

My phone wants me dead. I'm sure of it. And when it can't outright kill me or annoy me to death it tries to commit suicide. You'll see.

At first it was true love. I got a new Samsung Galaxy with the Wall-Mart Straight Talk plan, and I was in hog heaven! I had an awesome Droid, without a shattered screen on a plan I could afford. I was loving the bells and whistles, and loved the swype feature. All went well for a little while. Then, it all went wrong. It started with the swype feature doing annoying things with my texts. It seemed to relish making up words for me. It wasn't just that it made them up. It was that it auto-corrected AFTER I hit send. *Facepalm* Then it happened. It decided that since annoying me to death wasn't working, it would change tactics. It would try embarrassment. Oh, joy. Suddenly "I bed nerds". O.O WTF?? Really, phone? Really?

This went on for a while. Then, it developed homicidal tendencies. Don't believe me? I have proof. This was copied from my facebook page. IT was a conversation between myself and my BFF. See for yourself!
My uplifting conversation for the day with Elizabeth Mathews Spivey. Unfortunately it's also proof that my phone is out to get me.

Elizabeth: Leave it to you to nerd it up a little, lol.

Me: Well, my phone does believe I bed nerds instead of need meds. It also said that I'm shitty when I was trying to say short. Proof that my phone hates me.

Elizabeth: Autocarrot hates you ;)

Me: Intensely...

which it turned into internally. It flat out says it hates my guts.

Elizabeth: It could have easily changed it eternally, lol.

Me: I'm shrouded...omfg....ok. 2nd try. I'm surprised it didn't. Tho, after the shrouded thing, I think it just DID. It wants me dead. :(

Elizabeth: Watch your back ;)

Me: If Clive Barker and Steven King had a kid, it would have the personality of my phone.

Elizabeth: Personally, I think you just jinx your stuff...remember the Ipod?

Me: Ipods...plural.

Elizabeth: Just proves my point. Don't ever touch my phone, lol

 

 See? IT want's me dead. This, too, went on for some time. Actually, it still goes on. But, when it couldn't find a way to actually kill me, it opted for suicide. NOT. KIDDING. I was painting my rabbit hutch one day, and sat my phone on the wire part of the enclosure. Now, I sat it a good foot from the edge of the cage. Someone called me. The phone took advantage. It BOUNCED across the top of the wire enclosure, and I do mean bounced, itself off the edge and landed in a bucket of paint, located another 3 feet from where I'd originally sat the phone...to keep it safe. So, I plunge my hand into the slimy grey paint and haul ass up the stairs. Of course the nearest thing to me was a dirty sock. That's what I used, initially, to clean the damn thing. I get it pulled apart and go to town with Q-Tips and paint brushes, cleaning every little circuit. After much CPR, it did survive. But to show it's disdain, it now makes me use speaker on any and all phone calls. Little arsehole. I think it might have given up on that little trick.

 

It still tries to annoy me to death. Autocarrotcucumberincorrect gets me every time. Everyone says turn it off. One word. Swype. It doesn't work without it, and the buttons on my keyboard are just too small for regular typing. This phone WILL be the death of me. You just watch and see!