Look at My Rash! Look at it, look, look, did you look? You didn't look. Look!

Yesterday was one of those dreaded doctor days. Now, with this particular Dr I'm usually not there for more than an hour. Two on a bad day. Yesterday was a nearly FOUR HOURS of wait time. Why do I hate this more than any other wait at any other office? Because of the level of freak that comes in to wait with me. Oh...my...GAWD! My appointment was at 7:00. I think this is a good thing. I think that I may be first in line. I think I must be ab idiot for thinking. I was third. Still, this is ok, right? Right? ...wroooong.

Patient number for was of the escaped lunatic variety. This guy looked like he ate crack for every meal and snacks in between. He comes in, targets me and comes to sit right next to me. This is a big ass room full of empty chairs, why me?? The second his ass hits the chair he started in on me. "I think I must have gotten a rash. Look. Do you see it? What do you think it is? Look at my rash. How did I get it? Can you see it? You're not looking. Look at my rash." Are you kidding me? Really? For one, you're in a doctors office. Show the doctor, not ME! For two, what the hell makes you think some random stranger wants to see your funky ass rash? Are you that much of an idiot? For three, if you're flirting, you're failing miserably. I suddenly found something so interesting out the window that the rest of the world ceased to exist. After about ten minutes of being ignored he gave up on me and moved on to the only other guy in the room. That poor guy.

AHHH AHHH AHHH CHOOO  PPPTHHHHH

Then comes the sneezer. I feel for the poor lady, but, seriously, use a tissue! Did she? Nooooooo. She sneezed in her hand and wiped it on her chair. When her chair was sufficiently slimed up she moved on to my chair. I moved. Quickly.

Now the room is getting full. The only remaining seats are in the back, past me. Directly past me. The pathway isn't all that narrow, but, it was too narrow for the three chair ass that walked in next. I'm so not kidding. This girl couldn't get by without bumping me with her butt cheek. As if that didn't suck bad enough, she wanted the chair next to me. I wish I could say that I was exaggerating when I say that the crack of her ass was the only thing that fit in the chair, but I'm not. She quite literally needed the three chairs behind me, but nooooo...she squeezed into the ONE right beside me. Then she proceeds to make three trips to the bathroom during the wait, all of which making me wonder when she was bringing in the forklift to help her up. This may sound mean, but right now I don't care. The only thing about her that was overweight was her ass.  I thought about moving again, but rash boy and the sneezer were back there.

Through it all I'm doing my best to remain invisible. The rash and another patient started talking, loudly, and I start wondering if I should just go ahead and kill myself. The rash was, as suspected, a junkie. He had come to the doctor hoping he could get drugs, and he wasn't shy about it. This moron was asking every single patient there if she prescribed narcotics and how hard it was to get them from her. Then he starts asking where the best pharmacy is and how much they cost. From there he moves on to HIS prices. He told everyone in the room how much he sold his meds for, per pill, and how fast he could unload them. Then came the litany of drugs he was currently on. As in, had taken just before coming to the doctor's office. If that wasn't stupid enough, he starts bragging about how many of the Houston pill mills he had been at when they were busted, and how he ended up on TV when Dateline busted one of them while he was there. I was out of there before the doctor saw him, but I'm really hoping he never made it out of the office. At least, not without a pretty new pair of bracelets. I doubt my doctor put up with him. She was in a foul mood.

As it turned out, she was late because she was scheduled to have surgery yesterday afternoon. So I'm surprised she came in at all.

There are always those weirdos in the waiting room, no matter who your doctor is. It's getting to the point that I want a Hazmat suit just for the wait. There's the random talker, the nose picker, the braggart, the twenty questions noob, the barely concealed anger man/woman, the sneezer, the cough-er, the junkie, the freak-show, the sit on you(er), and so on and so forth. Oh, let's not forget the unattended child. You know, the nosy one? The one who stays in your face, pick at your stuff, stares at you, kicks your chair, pesters non stop and just generally annoys. The one who, by all rights, shouldn't be unattended since it's parent is RIGHT FRIGGIN THERE, ignoring the kid.

What's the weirdest thing you've seen in your docs waiting room?