I'm not a whale weewee!

DORK!

 

Raven. Spawn #4

When they say "kids say the darnedest things", they aren't kidding! At a year old, Spawn number 4, aka my son Raven, knew what the word "dork" really meant. Now, this is a word I used quite a bit. Still do. Imagine a diaper clad little twerp running through your house, screaming at the top of his lungs "I'M NOT A WHALE WEE-WEE!" after being called a dork.  There's NO WAY I wasn't laughing at that! It got so that I would call him a dork just to get the whale wee-wee tantrum. Mean, I know. I don't care, it was funny! Or better yet, his complete inability to say "Henry". My friend, Henry parked his rig across from my house on a regular basis. Of course a big rig is gonna garner the attention it deserves from a toddler. Every time he heard that truck, my little Rainman ran to the door, all excited to see it. "Raven, who is it?"..."HORNY! Horny's here! mamma, mamma, Horny's here!" OMG It was priceless! He never went to the beach. He went to the bitch. He didn't eat sandwiches, he ate sambitches. O.o And the BEST ever: Toddling into the kitchen, buck naked, wearing only one black velvet high heal pump, striking a runway model pose meant to show off that shoe and yelling "Look mamma, look!". *Facepalm* Oh, yeah. It was entertaining, to say the least. Believe me, there's tons more. Including first bonor freak outs. But we'll leave that for later. ;)

Sawn #1, JessiKa.

 

Spawn number one had her fair share of WTF moments, as well. My favorite happened when she was about 4 years old.  We were in the driveway, fixing a broken window. It was around midnight and, even though she had been put to bed, JessiKa comes toddling outside. She walks over to me, wraps her arms around my leg, looks up with the sweetest, melt your heart smile and says "I love you, mommy." OK, I'm not a complete idiot. It's way after bedtime. This is an obvious suck up in an attempt to stay up late. So I ask "What are you sucking up for?"  Her  reply?  "Because I can." ...O.O... And a smart ass is born. When she was about 12 years old we were walking home from the store and she spots an empty Air Heads wrapper on the side of the road. Her sister is commonly the subject of blond jokes at this time in their lives, and unfortunately for her, is walking with us. Jess points at the wrapper and says "Look, EriKa! Someone ate you!"  Mean ass! I had a friend working for the post office. One year, for Halloween, Jess said she wanted to dress up as her. When asked why, she said "I wanna go postal." Wow. Just...wow. She's a married adult, who has made me a grandma now, and the smart ass remarks haven't stopped! If nothing, she's perfected the art.

Spawn #3, Ashley.

Spawn number 3. Also known as Ashley, Ree-Ree or just Ree. Who is also going to kick me in the hoo ha after reading this. And kick me HARD. That's OK. I'm prepared. Miss Ree (misery) took a little longer than the others to make sense when she spoke. During her nonsense words time of her life, her all time favorite was "I wanna go across the street and pet a swan!" What. The. Hell. I have no fraggin' clue where she got that one from. I remember one night, near Thanksgiving. She was about 7 years old or so. We were talking about where we were born. Spawn number one was born in Florida, making her a Floridian. I called her a Floridiot. Miss Ree pipes in "I was born from an idiot!" Now, her sense of humor was just developing, and she had no clue what she had just said, or why everyone in the room, myself included, was in tears with laughter. One of the Spawn explained it to her by saying "You just called mamma an idiot!".  Now she's in tears. Not because it's funny. But, because she thinks she's in trouble for insulting me. Now she's 16 years old, and insults me with gusto! Like when we had gone for a walk in the park and she was using one of her blind-isms. The swaying the head back and forth that Stevie Wonder does. My eyesight sucks, and fails more every day. We try to discourage some of those blind-isms (AKA stemming, or self stimulation). So to draw her attention to it I say, "Alright Stevie Wonder." Without missing a beat, she says "What Ray Charles?" See? Born smart arse. She's full of them. One witty quip after another. It's like a non stop wench-athon. It gets her in trouble, from time to time. Not everyone gets her dry sense of humor. She's sarcastic to the max. She'll never walk or talk my happy white ass!

Spawn #3, EriKa.

And now, the creme De la creme of "What did she just say???". Spawn number 3, EriKa. Ok, it's not just what she says. It's mostly what she does. The summer of the suit of armor, for instance. One night she was playing with my memory wire necklace. Little genius is acting like it's a stethoscope. Of course it slips. And when it slips, where does it go? That's right, directly into BOTH ears. This not only hurts like a mad bastard, but it also startles the fire out of her. Out of reflex, she takes a step forward, smacking her toe into the dresser. Then she bends over to grab the wounded toe and cracks her head on the same dresser! As if that weren't enough, she's now taking a step AWAY from the dreaded dresser, and in the process, trips herself and falls onto the bed. But, not gracefully. It's bunk beds. She cracked the BACK of her head on the way down. So, now we have bleeding ears, a stubbed toe, a bruised forehead AND a goose egg on the back of her head, all in the space of 5 seconds. Oi Vey! I get her to the emergency room, where they dope her up and inform us that she's one lucky duck. Lucky? Yeah, they didn't see how it all happened! She managed to miss her eardrums with the wire, and just cut open the veins directly in front of it. On the way home, I treat her to Whataburger. I let her place her own order, forgetting that she's a tween hopped up on pain meds. "Yeah, I'll have a Yoohoo and some Ho hos." With a straight friggin face. By the time we left she had the guy at the window rolling with laughter. Now, it's a little under a month later. Miss Rika is going on a trip with the Grandparents. They are pulling a loaded trailer. On this trailer is a very long, very thick length of pipe for a kitchen tent. Rika turns around to hug me, and being blinded by the sun, BAM! Right into the pipe. She saw stars. It left a crescent shaped knot/cut on her forehead and gave her a mild concussion. That was the day we decided that she wasn't going ANYWHERE unless we armored her first! I've heard her say "HAHAHA....wait....what?"  She's a silly one! You could write a book of Rika-isms!

They've said and done some of the absolutely DUMBEST things in history. Like standing in an ant bed and screaming that the ants won't stop biting them, but, not moving from the ant bed. Brilliant. Or pointing at something and asking "What's that?' "That's a streetlight. dear." "oh." That one was Rika. They've even ripped the door off of my refrigerator, climbing it. They used the shelves inside the door as ladder steps. Yeah, that didn't work. Despite all of their not so brilliant antics, they're a rather smart lot. They're much older now, which hasn't stopped the darnedest things from coming out of their mouths. It's just made it funnier. Or dirtier. I never can wait to see what they'll do or hear what they'll say next.

In Wal-Mart, still dressed in SCA garb, we waited in line. A little boy inb the next line asks his mom "Why is that man wearing a dress?"
The mom replies "It's not a dress honey. It's a Kilt."
Boy "But...Who'd he kilt?"

TRUE STORY! 

What crazy things have you heard coming from a kid?