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| My beautiful Spawn #2, EriKa. |
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I'm a little concerned about my second Spawn, and the security of her heart. She's going through a trial in her relationship, and the reception she's getting from her friends is...shaky.
This is how I see it. A true friend will care more about your happiness than their own desires. Say I'm a single young person who doesn't feel like she gets enough face time with her best friend. But, my best friend is in a relationship. The relationship is in crisis. My best friend turns to me for a shoulder. Here are my options. Well, no, being there for her wouldn't be an option, it would be a constant. That part would happen for sure. I would be that shoulder to cry on. Say my best friend loves her boyfriend with all of her heart and soul. Sure he has flaws, but don't we all? She wants to work it out more than anything in this world. Being away from him is destroying her. I can back her up, all the way, even though I don't like her boyfriend, because seeing her happy is all that matters. Or, I can take this opportunity to try to convince her that she shouldn't try to fix it, she should stay away, with me, because I want to keep her close. Her misery will eventually pass. And I get what I want. But, what if it doesn't pass? What if, by doing all I can to keep her by my side, I'm denying her true love. I'm using guilt to ruin her?
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| The boyfriend. I actually love this guy! |
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Look, you can't decide a persons heart for them. They have to decide that on their own. If someone you care about is hurting because they didn't listen to their heart, then the smart thing to do would be encourage them to do what it takes to be happy. I'm not talking about dangerous situations, where the man is an abusive dick, or she'd end up turning trick on the corner, methed out of her gourd. I'd never encourage a friend, and most definitely not my child, to follow their hearts into danger. But this situation isn't that. I'm hurting for her, because not only is she in pain over the damage to her relationship, she's also feeling pressure and guilt from those who are telling her to NOT fix it. The sad part is the guilt. And the threats of never being there for her again, if she does fix it. It's hurting her heart. She's feeling this pressure to choose between her love of her man and her love of her friends.
I know the boyfriend. He lived with me. He works, he cooks, he cleans. He's one of the nicest, funniest, most responsible, talented, cool people I've ever had the privilege of knowing. Does he have issues that need to be worked on? Absolutely. Does she? Why, that would be a resounding YES. They are miserable apart, and only concerned about the happiness of the other one. He wants her to be happy, but he's miserable without her. She wants him to be happy, but she's miserable without him. Doesn't this look like a simple solution to you???
If someone you love needs a shoulder, give them the shoulder. But, please, don't try to interject your opinions to get the outcome YOU desire. If you love someone, their happiness should matter more to you than anything you want. It would hurt so much to see her live her life with a giant
"what if" hanging over her heart.
"What if I had tried to make it work with him, and it did? What if e were happy, healthy, living the life we want right now? What would have happened if I had...." You'll never know if you don't try. If it works, it works and I'll be so happy for her. If it doesn't, it doesn't, and I'll be here to cry with her. But, I'll NEVER tell her not to follow her heart, just because I miss her and want her back home, where I can hug and kiss her every day. Yes, I have a stake in this too. If she follows her heart, it'll take her far from me. I'll miss her. But, dammit, I'll be happy for her!
THIS is how I wish people would treat each other. Just be supportive. No guilt. No ultimatums. Just love.
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