woMEN Drivers! Gah!

Here's something I'll NEVER understand. I take my life into my own hands when I get into a vehicle with my husband. I'm well aware of this. Probably a little too aware. He's SCAREY.  But, lots of people are. I road rage. My kids road rage. It's common. So what? It's the contradictory road ragers that get me. Like, the HUBS. The king of the contradiction.

The text and drive. Irritates the hell out of me!

Issue number 1: The TEXT AND DRIVE. Oh my....REALLY? Yes I throw temper tantrums. I hate this. And he does it. He'll fuss at me later if I text him while he's driving. But he INITIATES texts with his friends. O.o DAFUQ?! The worst part? If he sees another driver on their phone? Rage! Contradiction. 

Issue Number 2: TAILGATERS  Now, if someone crawls up his butt while he's driving, Oh HELL no! I've heard some of the most interesting insults come from that man. My favorite wasn't his, though. My daughter, spawn number 2, while driving in Austin rush hour traffic. "Dude, if your gonna crawl up my ass, at least pull my hair!" OMG, I DIED! But, yes, he will absolutely FIT over tailgaters. Is he a tailgater himself? You betcha. Rides up those tailpipes like the car in front of us is in heat.And if they try to pass him? Yep, he SPEEDS UP. If HE passes someone and THEY speed up? WAR! 

Yep. Assholes own the road. So sad. 

Issue Number 3: SPEED Too fast, too slow, doesn't matter. He firmly lives by the road rule, anyone going slower than you is a moron, anyone going faster than you is a maniac! Holy crap! The things I've heard him call people for going too slow. Ok, ok, I'm guilty of that one too. We probably all are. The difference is if I'm going slower than the speed limit for some reason or other, and someone comes up behind me, I MOVE. Does he? Hell no. He bitches about them being behind him, yelling for the idiot to go around. When they do? He speeds up as they pass. He's such a considerate ASSHOLE driver. 

Yeah. That's me alright. Noooooooo.

It pretty much comes down to "I'll drive any damn way I please. BUT, If YOU try to drive the way I do, I will ROAD RAGE YOUR ASS TO THE FINISH LINE!"  i can't even tell you how many times I've lived in terror, clenched up in the passenger seat, knuckles white, eyes closed. If I had nuts they'd be in my throat. I'm not a perfect driver. Not by any means. And now that my eyes are going so bad, I don't drive at all. I AM a cautious driver. Holy crap, that PISSES the Hub off to NO END! He hates that I "granny drive". I don't granny dive. I go the speed limit. Not under it. Thing is, so does he. The difference? I set the cruise control. One speed. Steady.  Oh, screw it. I'm a granny driver. But at least no one fears for the safety of their testicles when they ride with me! 

I know someone else who drives like this. "Do as I say, not as I do." drivers. I won't say who. He knows :-* Shut, up. You love me. 

So here's the deal. Guys, if you want to drive like a holy road raging terror, fine. No worries. Go ahead. But, really, if you're gonna do it, everybody else can too! And y'all say women drivers are bad! SHEESH!