Call Me Cougar ONE MORE FRELLING TIME!

One thing that annoys me above all others, being called the C word. No. not THAT C word, though I hate that too. It's being called a damn cougar. Why? Well, I'm still trying to work that out myself. I think it's mostly because of the social connotations connected with that word. People hear that word and instantly picture some old barfly in a tight dress, with too much makeup and a martini, trolling for young idiots to bed. That aint me. I don't usually wear makeup. XD No, seriously, it annoys the piss out of me. And I hear it ALL the damn time. Haha, you're sooo witty. Let's see if you can find the wit on the end of my baseball bat. Maybe you should learn a little bit about how I ended up with a man 13 years younger than me before you pass judgment! It's NOT what you think. I didn't chase him. Hell, until tonight, I didn't even realize when he started chasing me!

The Hub spinning fire poi

Ok, I moved back to Texas from Oklahoma at the rear end of 2005, after a horrific marriage to a complete freak who turned out to be an awesome con artist, junkie, sloth, useless piece of space wasting trash. <-- Can you feel the love? Yeah, I couldn't either. So, I escaped and came back home. I took a side job working for a carnival, where I met the hub...again. As it turns out, our families have been attached to each other our entire lives. Surprise surprise. He was working for them too. It was quick cash. A small group of us started hanging out, killing time. One night, I was getting ready for an SCA event, which involved a weekend of camping. I invited the hub and his best friend to join. They left to get camping gear, but only one returned. The hub. He had never heard of the SCA, but I had already taught him to spin Poi, and he had natural talent. Of course his interest was piqued.

Ok, I'm blind as a damn bat. And, to be honest. I'd never actually seen his face. Behind the hat, glasses and mustache, he was a blur to me. We're on our way to the event, we've stopped at a gas station, and there he finds a Feodora that he really likes. I got it for him. Hey, it was cheap. Spawn number 2 comes over to me and starts raving about how he looks like Johnny Depp. I'm like "Huh?" Truly confused. Until...Until I turned around and bumped into him, literally BUMPED into him. That was the first time I actually saw him. "Crap. He's hot. Dammit." But, I'm still not thinking anything along the lines of romance. I'm thinking about the throng of Scadian girls I'll have to protect him from. They're rabid!

The Armand's. Baron Armand De Lacey and Baron Armand Dragonetti

Baron Armand Dragonetti

 

Anyway, we get to the event, and of course he's lost. He's in a totally new world and doesn't understand the hierarchy yet. So I'm guiding him every step of the way, and he's attached to my hip. Until tonight, i thought that was because he was in a new environment and trying to learn. I have earned my AOA, am the Monarch of a household, and have been in for years. I knew people. So I blew his mind by introducing him to The King, and several of my Favorite Barons and Dukes. His mind was BLOWN! Later that day we discovered the need for an ice run. He decided to ride to the store with me. He did the craziest cartoon impressions most of the way there. On the way back, we jammed to the radio, and ended up singing a duet to Picture. Ah, shit. I'm having FUN with this guy. The next night, after a day of watching the fighting and bardic competitions,  he got to spin poi before a rather large crowd, passed the mead bottle around and learn to play tablero.

Now, we were camping at a site that is notorious for flooding, and of course, it was raining. I had a bed off the ground. I offered it to some newbies, doing my household duties. Now, it's COLD AS FLOCK, and I've left myself without a bed. I had spent the previous night patrolling our campsite in the rain, making sure everyone stayed safe and dry. I was tired, and a wee bit drunk. The Hub is sitting in a camp chair, being the innocent bystander to a tablero game, and I'm standing beside him, wrapped up in uber cloak. Not kidding. I made this cloak myself. NO ONE could get cold in this thing. The next thing I know, I'm being pulled into his lap, and he's wrapping his arms around me to keep us both warm...or so I thought. Of course the 2 tablero players chuckle. It's pushing 3a.m. and I'm tired as can be, but, again, have nowhere to sleep. So he drags me into his tent, which somehow was the ONLY tent that didn't flood, and says he'll share his teeny weeny cot. I'm not sure how this is gonna work, but, low and behold, it does. After drifting off a million times and waking up closer and closer together, he finally bit the bullet and chanced a kiss.

The rest, is history. 2 years later, we were married.

Have we had problems? Of course we have. Some have been serious enough to nearly end in divorce. But, they didn't. We struggled through, and came out stronger. Do we want to choke the living hell out of each other on a regular basis? Damn Skippy! But, let me tell you a little secret. My track record has SUCKED in a monumental way. There are precious few men in my past that were worth anything at all. Mostly I've dated, or married, the Websters definition of a loser. Not just losers. Abusive mega dickheads with violent tempers, drug problems, fidelity issues...you know. Real Mr. Rights. I've suffered the worst of the worst. This one hasn't even attempted to treat me the way the men in my past have. THEY were my age or older. THEY were useless. He has his flaws, but he AINT THEM!

Now the thing that caught me off guard tonight. As it turns out, he had been interested in me for months before the SCA event. But he thought that I was secretly spoken for. He thought that since there was another (3 actually) man pursuing me, that I would go that way, well, one of those ways, since they were all my age or older. At least, that's what he told me when I asked him why he never acted on his feelings, or even hinted. He said he didn't think he stood a chance. Later, he got to know me a little better and realized that 2 of those "men" barely qualified as human to me, and I wouldn't go near them with a space suit on.

We joke about it amongst ourselves. He calls me a "cradle robber" and I call him a "grave robber". But that's us. We're allowed. It's random assholes who know nothing about us that piss me off. So, if you meet a woman who is older than her husband, maybe you should think twice before calling her a cougar. If she's anything like me, she might be tempted to show you the real deal. Uncaged. 

Bug Vs. Microscope. Or, How to Piss off a Disabled Person

http://www.magicfoundation.org/www

http://www.focusfamilies.org/

Spawn number 3

Of my Spawn, there are 4. Spawn number 3 is of the female variety. She also happens to be blind and mildly autistic. She was born with something called Septo Optic Dysplasia/Optic Nerve Hypoplasia, AKA SOD/ONH or De Morsier's Syndrome. Since this is basically an umbrella term, covering a wide range of symptoms and degrees of symptoms, I think of it as a fancy way of saying "That girl aint right in the head".  Now, I was told that she would never walk or talk. I was told that she would never do a lot of things. My response was always the same. "Oh, yeah? You think so? WATCH HER!". Today, she's a 16 year old sarcasm machine.

Tons of things piss her off. But, nothing more than rude people, who can't understand how their desperate attempt to not be rude is exactly what's making them rude. How many times have I seen someone stare at her, trying to figure out what's "wrong" with her, like she's a bug under a microscope? It's ANNOYING! Or, parents who shush their small children, when the children have the good sense to ASK QUESTIONS! If you're curious, ASK,ASK,ASK,ASK! Believe it or not, a disabled person would rather answer your questions than endure your judgmental stares. Most don't take offense to curiosity. In fact, they see it as an opportunity to educate.

Disabled does not equal defaced! 

Here's another no no. Talking to the person next to the disabled person about them, like they aren't even there. That's happened to my daughter about a million times, and OH, how it chars her nerves. Someone will approach her in the mall and ask what's up with her. Since she flat out refuses to use her cane, she does draw curiosity. Asking was good. But, as soon as she answers, the asker turns to my daughters friends for answers. My daughter will stand there answering each question herself, but the asker moron will wait for the sighted friends to answer. Apparently, if you're blind, you're also deaf, mute, and unimportant. Really people???? REALLY???? If you are wise enough to ask the questions, please be smart enough to recognize when the person can answer for him/herself! 

Stereotyping is high on the no no list. Just because you've seen one person with this one disability does not mean that all people with that particular disability are the same. There are degrees, folks. And you have to remember the these are PEOPLE. People with individual an personality and traits. The young Spawn is getting very tired of people telling her that since she's blind she can't do this, that or the other thing, just because other blind folks can't. 

One of my favorite moments, where the kid made me SO PROUD, happened when she was just a wee smart arse. We were in the grocery store when we were approached by a curious woman. She wanted to know why the Spawn wasn't holding her head up, just down and cocked to the side. I told her that it was because she was blind, therefore had nothing to look up for.  She did talk directly to the she child, so that was a plus. The minus was in the volume increase. Ok, her heart was in the right place. But, somehow, her head found it's way to the dark-side of her butt. She was literally yelling in the kiddos face. Spawn is about 4 or 5 years old at this time. Without missing a beat, she lifted her little head and very clearly said "Lady, I'm blind. Not deaf." I. Died. Thankfully, the "Lady" was nice, and realized her mistake. And, thankfully she had a sense of humor! That was the first time the Spawns penchant for sarcasm made itself known. I was so proud! 

The things you need to remember are: people are people and all are different. Asking questions is better than staring and speculating. Don't be rude. Don't confuse a disability for stupidity. If a person can speak for themselves, LET THEM. They'll appreciate it more than you may realize.

What Would I be Without My Best Friend?

I'm lucky lucky lucky to have you in my life!!

        I can't start this out any other way than to say, I LOVE MY BEST FRIENDS! I got really lucky. I got 2. My best friend got married, so I kind of inherited the wife by proxy. ;P  That was the best, strangest, most amazing luck I've ever had. 

It doesn't matter what I've been through, my BFF has always been there. He has stood by my side, through thick and thin, sucky decisions, crappy health, crappy luck, you name it. He was there. 

Heheh. How true...scarey driver. :P

Are we normal. Oh, HELL NO! I think we both would belong in the psych ward, if it weren't so hard to catch us. Mean to each other? OMG, yes. I can count on my BFFs, BOTH of them, to be brutally honest. I'll do the same. If my butt starts to spread, ONE of them WILL tell me. And, not in the nice, implying I need a diet way. "Yo, lard arse. Put down the cheesecake, pick up a gym membership. I can't see the T.V. You're flab is in the way!"  I love that there's someone in my life that I can say what I think around, without being judged, no matter how harsh. I love even more that I was doubly blessed. And I love that they feel comfortable enough to say and be anything they want around me. 

Our lives haven't been easy. There have been losses that so many people can't imagine. I wish I had been a better friend during their worst time. I confused some things that I thought were what they...she, wanted. I thought she just wanted all of the pester warts to leave her be. I didn't want to be one of those annoying asses who just don't know when to shut up and go away. I promise that I will always be there for you both. No matter what.   
 They have always been there for me. They have done more for me and mine than any human could expect.

 They aren't just friends. They're family. Punny, mean, beautiful, loving, amazing, strong, brave, perfectly insane family. I can't, won't imagine my life without them in it. I want them both to know that they mean the world to me, each in their own way. He has been there nearly my entire life. She has been there through some of the most painful times. They are my best friends as a whole. And they are each an individual, best friend in different ways. 

I can count on them to be there, and I will be there for them. Even if it means poke, pester, bother annoy them into a good mood...like he does to me O.o That's what makes him so special. That and a million and one other reasons, throughout the years.

I am lucky. I love you. I hope you both know that. I really, unabashedly, irritatingly, stalker material love you! 
 

woMEN Drivers! Gah!

Here's something I'll NEVER understand. I take my life into my own hands when I get into a vehicle with my husband. I'm well aware of this. Probably a little too aware. He's SCAREY.  But, lots of people are. I road rage. My kids road rage. It's common. So what? It's the contradictory road ragers that get me. Like, the HUBS. The king of the contradiction.

The text and drive. Irritates the hell out of me!

Issue number 1: The TEXT AND DRIVE. Oh my....REALLY? Yes I throw temper tantrums. I hate this. And he does it. He'll fuss at me later if I text him while he's driving. But he INITIATES texts with his friends. O.o DAFUQ?! The worst part? If he sees another driver on their phone? Rage! Contradiction. 

Issue Number 2: TAILGATERS  Now, if someone crawls up his butt while he's driving, Oh HELL no! I've heard some of the most interesting insults come from that man. My favorite wasn't his, though. My daughter, spawn number 2, while driving in Austin rush hour traffic. "Dude, if your gonna crawl up my ass, at least pull my hair!" OMG, I DIED! But, yes, he will absolutely FIT over tailgaters. Is he a tailgater himself? You betcha. Rides up those tailpipes like the car in front of us is in heat.And if they try to pass him? Yep, he SPEEDS UP. If HE passes someone and THEY speed up? WAR! 

Yep. Assholes own the road. So sad. 

Issue Number 3: SPEED Too fast, too slow, doesn't matter. He firmly lives by the road rule, anyone going slower than you is a moron, anyone going faster than you is a maniac! Holy crap! The things I've heard him call people for going too slow. Ok, ok, I'm guilty of that one too. We probably all are. The difference is if I'm going slower than the speed limit for some reason or other, and someone comes up behind me, I MOVE. Does he? Hell no. He bitches about them being behind him, yelling for the idiot to go around. When they do? He speeds up as they pass. He's such a considerate ASSHOLE driver. 

Yeah. That's me alright. Noooooooo.

It pretty much comes down to "I'll drive any damn way I please. BUT, If YOU try to drive the way I do, I will ROAD RAGE YOUR ASS TO THE FINISH LINE!"  i can't even tell you how many times I've lived in terror, clenched up in the passenger seat, knuckles white, eyes closed. If I had nuts they'd be in my throat. I'm not a perfect driver. Not by any means. And now that my eyes are going so bad, I don't drive at all. I AM a cautious driver. Holy crap, that PISSES the Hub off to NO END! He hates that I "granny drive". I don't granny dive. I go the speed limit. Not under it. Thing is, so does he. The difference? I set the cruise control. One speed. Steady.  Oh, screw it. I'm a granny driver. But at least no one fears for the safety of their testicles when they ride with me! 

I know someone else who drives like this. "Do as I say, not as I do." drivers. I won't say who. He knows :-* Shut, up. You love me. 

So here's the deal. Guys, if you want to drive like a holy road raging terror, fine. No worries. Go ahead. But, really, if you're gonna do it, everybody else can too! And y'all say women drivers are bad! SHEESH! 

 

Fun with Insomnia

This is my first attempt, done on a phone that wishes me great ill. Be gentle.

 How can something so light be so damn heavy? Little miss Coraline is as light as a feather when leaping & creeping about the house on her little cat feet. But, let that little wench get comfortable on top of your covers & you can't help but wonder if she ate an anvil for dinner. Miss heavyweight champ of the bed has her fuzzy arse planted right in the middle of my back, grooming with gusto, while I'm doing my best to sleep. Is this likely to happen? Nooooooo! But, hey, I'm a glutton for punishment. I try anyway. After I few jabs & pokes I resort to flat out shoving her off the bed. LITERALLY 3 seconds later, she's already comfy, on my feet, rattling the bed grooming again. OK, I give. The bladder says so. So I survive kitty labyrinth (there are only TWO of you. How are you everyfreakingwhere?) with only minor injuries & one squashed cat head. Poor cuddles. 

It's dark. I want no light. It's late & I'm tired. Screw the light. I'm an idiot. I'd forgotten about Gwin. Gwin who doesn't wake gracefully. Rather, he leaps up, launching himself into a rather spectacular display of ferret acrobatics. ACK! OK, OK, I'M AWAKE! He made me pee myself. Good thing I was in the right place for it. Does his startle assault stop at frightening me into beginning my tinkle business? Oh, no. He needs to stop it, too. How? TOES! TOESTOESTOES! Do you have any idea how hard it is to pee with a stretch rat nomnomnoming on your feet? 

 Now, 15 minutes have passed, I've survived cats & ferret. It's dogs turn. Puddles. Puddles who is the equivalent of a canine Walter in 20 years. Grouchy old man/dog is pissed because he's locked inside. Grouchy old man/dog is telling me ALLLLLL about it. From directly beneath me (he's downstairs) is a sound I can only describe as make Hulk Hogan huff helium, then turn his head & cough. That's a Puddles bark. At 4am. I'm ignoring this one. This time. 

Back in bed with only a few extra cuts & bangs, cats are both squashed against me, vigorously grooming. The hubs takes a turn. Elbow between the shoulder blades. Get that moved, kick to the shin. Kick back. Then, mother of all that's holy, he added something new. Groaning. Maybe it was a moan, but who cares, it's annoying. Whistlesnore, kick, groan, repeat. Fun times, fun times! And THIS was a calm night!

 I loves insomnia :/