Trail Etiquette: For the idiots of the world.

We spend as much time in the park as possible. I don't mean the dinky little city parks where you would expect to see parents taking the screaming hoard to get just a few minute of shut the hell up before running off on the next errand/job/class. I'm talking about state parks with miles of woodland trails. Not a high heeled environment, though we've seen them out there. They boggle the mind. Here's the thing, if you're going out to a state park, where the playgrounds are small and in the camping section (which suggests what? That's right. Camping!) city wear is not a common sense choice. If you have never been out into the great outdoors and have a trip planned, I suggest you do a little research. I mean, seriously people. All it takes to figure out how to dress and act out in the wild is a little bit of brain power an internet connection.

A few weeks ago, when the Bestie and I were on our weekly hike, we saw a group of people from Germany. Three, to be exact. Two men, one "woman". The one "woman" was wearing daisy dukes and platform heals. Are you frigging kidding me? I mean, really? We've seen all kinds out there. Elizabeth and I stumble out of the woods, packs on our backs, hair disheveled, faces red, sweat dripping, dirt in every pore, limping from the blisters and walk up on a family unloading from their brand new SUV. Mom, Dad and two point five kids, all in their name brand best, hair perfect, cologne on overdrive, all smiles. They aren't there for the trails, so much. They are usually out there for a day picnic. That's not such a biggie. I wouldn't pay $7 a person for a picnic, but whatever floats your boat. That's why we stay in the more remote areas of the park. We avoid the prissy folk out there. On the more attractive trails, however...whoo boy! The Elm Lake Trail and the Spillway are some of the more popular hikes for the adult crowd, where the Creekfield interpretive trail is more popular among children's groups and the handicapped. They are both wheelchair accessible, and Creekfield has raised and braille descriptive posts. Not to mention the George Observatory is back there. It's not unusual to be over run by a herd of screaming, squealing, texting school kids on Elm Lake. They usually travel in packs of a hundred. But, I'll get to that.

If you are going to go out into nature with high hopes of seeing actual, real, honest to God wildlife, there are a few things you should know. Like, animals have no fashion sense. They really don't give two squirts in a bucket what your ass looks like in your crotch hugging shorts, or how high heels make your legs look longer. AS if we needed to know that they can reach around the 380lb tard waddling next to you. Kudos for him for getting the exorcise, but you, madam, are a fracking loon. The animals may not care about your shoes, but you damn sure will, once you hit a half a mile and you slip. That gut wrenching crack you just heard? That was your ankle, Miss. Limp away. Also, they do not find White Diamonds attractive. It isn't fun for them. Or for us, for that matter. Before you dump on a gallon of your favorite cologne or perfume think about us. For the love of God, just don't do it! You wont see wildlife that way. You will let them know you're coming so that they have plenty of time to hide from you...and us. Thanks, dummy. Same goes for deodorant. I won't be so mean here. Lots of people don't think about this. By all means, wear it! Please! But, think about what you're wearing. If you put on cherry blossom suave, you're doing two things. Alerting the critters and alerting the BEES! Do you really want to spend your leisurely day in the park running from bees? Can you even run in those shoes without breaking your neck or ripping the crotch out of your two sizes two small shorts? Tons of hair product doesn't help, either. This goes for men and women. You are equally guilty. Invest in unscented deodorant, settle for a gel free ponytail, wear comfortable clothes and good walking shoes. Leave the frilly crap at home. Out here, no one cares.

Oh, the noise. Animals don't just smell you coming. They have ears too, you know. Unfortunately, so do we. You're cackling laugh and auditorium voice doesn't fit in the woods anymore than in a church or a hospital. Unless you're dying and/or lost, keep it the hell down! I don't care what the punchline to that joke you told ten minutes ago was, and I'm fairly certain the deer don't care either! Although, the squirrels might. They have weird senses of humor. Most of us come out to the woods for the solitude. We like the quiet for oh so many reasons. Be aware of the fact that there are other people. Be courteous of them and of the animals. SHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH. This is where the bus loads of kids come into play. There's really nothing quite like seeing the alligator sneaking up behind a bird, poised to snap. You have your camera ready, also poised to snap. When, around the corner comes the most obnoxious group of tweens you've ever had the misfortune to encounter. The rumble is all but deafening. The cloud of dust that the herd kicks up is so thick that it takes fifteen minutes for it to settle and makes it look like the aftermath of nuclear holocaust. Half of them are whining about the heat/dust/bugs/lack of wifi. When you pull into the parking lot and are greeted by three big yellow kid eaters, that's a sure sign of trouble. Flee! Run while you can! Honestly, I think they should make them take a hike specific quiz. Don't tell them why they are taking it and treat it like a test. Find out what interest each kid has. Once you know who has an honest desire to be in the park and experience nature in all of it's solace and glory, you know how to group your kids. Put like minded kids together, and in smaller groups. I remember those field trips. I wanted to be there and the kids who didn't always ruined it for us. You'd think the schools would have realized that by now. More chaperones! Not enough on staff? Ask parents to volunteer. Offer them free admission if they'll help wrangle the kids! It's not that hard! It would keep people like me from shoving the little assholes into the nearest swamp and holding them under. "Teenager? Nope, sorry. Haven't seen one. This? Oh, I'm just filling my canteen. Move along."  Ugh.

Then there's the loving family who insists on holding hands as they take a slow stroll. How sweet and picturesque...unless you're trying to pass.  Take up the entire path or trail. I don't care. At least have the courtesy to get out of the way when someone is trying to get by. Those people are no different than the grocery store isle hoggers. There's room, I promise. MOVE, asshat! It's even more annoying when you've said "excuse me" three times and the still haven't gotten out of the way.

My husbands favorite. Litter bugs. When I'm two miles away from the nearest human, crawling through the brush to get to the next section of trail, there is no reason why I should find an empty six pack. If you want to get drunk in the woods, fine. Take your trash with you when you stumble your drunk ass back to your camp. Water bottles are meant to hold water, not hold down patches of grass or make a nice swimming pool for the ants to build around. Not only is it unsightly, it's a hazard to the animals you just paid money to come pollute. You, dear litter bug, are the worst of them all. There should never be soda cans floating past in the bayou, candy wrappers blowing down the trail and, dear ostrich of wingsdom, condoms in the parking lot. Or, anywhere else. If you want to cheat on your wife, get a motel. Throw that bitch away, you nasty...EW! I don't need to know what your crusty splooge looks like, and my kids damn sure don't. You, sir, are disgusting! As for the Hub, it's weird. At home he'll leave his trash an inch from the can. In the woods he has a conniption if you can't carry your trash an extra mile. I agree with him. In the woods. I agree with me at home. He's right, though. If you could carry it in while it was full, you can carry it out while it's empty.

He made a good point. It might be false logic, but, it did make sense. We are smokers. We're extra careful with our cigarette butts. We put them out and carry them out with us. Both of us were paying attention to the litter and we noticed something. In the entire day we saw only one butt on the ground. It stands to reason that someone who isn't willing to leave the small trash lying about wouldn't leave the big stuff either. We know there were other smokers out there. We saw them. By that logic, the smokers were actually more thoughtful than the non. He went on a tirade about how non smokers tend to adopt a haughty attitude towards smokers, and yet, they seemed to be the biggest mess makers.  That is by no means me saying that all non smokers litter and all smokers are courteous. Not at all. On that day, however, that's how it seemed to be. Everyone should be watching what they do. Those parks are home to myriad animals, flora and fauna. How do you feel when someone comes in and mucks up your home? How would you feel if they came in and dumped pesticides in your living room floor? There's really no difference between that and what is done in our parks every day.

Okay, I'm done ranting for now. What are some of the inconsiderate, assholey things you've seen people do in parks?