Damn you, Redbox! The worst of the worst low budget movies that tricked me!

Okay, I admit it. I love bad movies. But, even I draw the line. Low budget movies can be absolutely engrossing, providing they're done right. Even done wrong, they can be more than watchable. Maybe it's the nerd in me. Maybe I'm just a weirdo. Who knows? I know I'm not the only one. I've even managed to get the Hub hooked. Here's the problem: In the hunt for a good B movie you will inevitably come across a movie that makes you want to bleach your brain, lose faith in all humanity and go bomb the directors house. I've seen more than my fair share. In my drive to find out what not to do when making a movie, I force myself to watch the worst of the worst, once we discover how bad they really are. It's like watching a disaster play out. You just can't look away, no matter how bad you want to. Now, I'm not talking about movies that some people like and others hate just as a matter of preference. I don't mean movies like Cowboys and Aliens, which I personally like, but some of my friends hate. Nor do I mean movies that are liked or disliked based on genre. I mean those movies that are SO bad that you can't even get the title out of your head, no matter how hard you try. 

Thank God for the one girl who could act scared, then spent the rest of the movie making us want to shoot her.

Example, and this is on the very tip top of my "Please do not subject yourself to this rubbish unless you are seriously researching what not to do" list, is a very low budget movie called Chained: Code 207. All I can say is "facepalm". Written, directed and starring Tino Struckmann, this movie takes the cake. It took four tries to get through the entire thing. There aren't too many movies that leave me screaming at the TV because the acting is so, so, so very bad. From the other room my husband heard "Yes! You stupid bitch! That IS your mark! Stop looking at the fucking camera and TRY to act like you were just rescued! We're you lobotomized for the role, you dopy shit?" ..yeah, I know. I went a little bit off of the deep end on that one. Seriously, though. She's been rescued from a sex slave ring and she's just standing there, watching a fight to the death, the results of which her life depends on, and she's calmly glancing back and forth between the fighters and the camera. The expression was clear: "Is this my spot? Is this where I stand? Am I doing this right?" No, bitch. You're really not! That was one small taste of the entire movie. The whole thing was like that. I think I threw up in my mouth a little. OH! Let's not forget the baggie of human organs! Human...organs...no, dude. You could have pretended to care when you let that piece of shit pass the "art department". I'm so sorry, but a baggie of frozen chicken breasts and fish cutlets looks NOTHING like a human kidney. Poor, poor Tino. He's doing the right thing in one way. The man does have a military background and a history with the sex slave trade. He's trying to raise awareness. So, for that, muy props. I think there are better ways. If you're gonna use you're movies to bring this into the light, you need to make them watchable! Stick to being a stuntman, asshat. As a director, you rate a negative ten.

I asked several people for their input on this one. I can't say I took the answer the Daddy-in-Law gave with a straight face. I thought he was kidding. He shouted, when asked what the worst movie he had ever seen was, "CORNDOG MAN!"  Um....what? I had never heard of this one, and i still haven't seen it. I have seen the trailer. Since it's a Sundance pick, and since the trailer intrigued me, not to mention the Daddy-in-Law's vehement response to this one, I'm putting it on my must see list. If anyone else has already seen it, could you give me some honest input?

One night we all gathered around the TV to watch one of The Asylum's other train wreck, and never stopped regretting it. See, The Asylum pushes quantity over quality, and boy does it show! Out of their over three hundred movies I've seen maybe two that were worth a damn. Nazi's at the Center of the Earth was not one of them. What the hell was I thinking, when I asked the Hub to Redbox this? First off, as spawn number four screamed repeatedly at the TV, the center of the Earth is a little more than five hundred feet down, and your one length of rope is not going to be enough. Second, the Holocaust did not happen in the sixties! Really? Oh...my....idiots! If I were being raped by nearly hundred year old zombie Nazis, I think I might put up a little more of a fight that the dopy fool who just sat there going "ahhhh..nooooooo....help..."  I'd probably sound more like a rabid lion, rhino, gorilla hybrid and need all caps and bold type to put it down in print. If I didn't die of heart failure first. And, if my boyfriend aborted my child, against my will, do use the stem cells for some psychotic experiment, I think he'd have been ripped to pieces no less than five minutes after I woke up. One way to guarantee your movie will suck? Hire Jake Busey. The man is capable of pulling off a good role, no doubt. But the roles he's been choosing blow goats. If you ask him if he wants to be in your movie, and he says yes, you might want to think about doing a rewrite, or ten, or give up. So, where the hell does the robot Hitler and the space ship fit in? Hell if I know. We haven't figured that one out yet. It looks like some complete loon watched a couple of five year old boys play with their little green Army men, space ship toys, dinosaurs (no, there are no dinosaurs in this movie, though it wouldn't have surprised me) and wrote down their entire toddlerific play time, then put his sick spin on it and yelled "FILM IT!" Some people need to be exterminated for our own good.

So, let's move on to American Warships.The acting wasn't terrible. It wasn't great either. It was watchable, if you could make it past the really bad CG. Which, I couldn't. It looked like they made the aliens in paint. And, the frog men? Oh, hell no! Okay, putting water spray in the front to make it look like someone is actually hauling ass in a raft is an old trick. An old STAGE trick. Nothing looked more fake than those guys, water splashing in front of the camera, but no where else, no wind blowing through anything (because we all know that when you're flying along, there is absolutely no sign of movement, whatsoever), talking at normal volume when they shouldn't have been able to hear a damn thing. The trailer is only moderately misleading. Go ahead, risk it.

What is it with knock off movies? Did they think the big budget directors didn't do a good job?Really? Let's look at a short list, here:
TRANSMORPHERS
TRANSMORPHERS: FALL OF MAN
THE DAY THE EARTH STOPPED
AVH: ALIEN VS HUNTER
THE TERMINATORS

Why, yes. Those are all The Asylum movies. You expected less?

What's the worst you've seen?