Did you marry an asshole?

The Hub asked me to write about what an asshole he is. He's proud of it. I've put this off, because...well...he may be proud of it, but, he isn't going to like some of what I say. Then I realized, the Hub never reads. Like, ever! So, I might be safe. Might. With my luck, this will be the only post he actually takes it upon himself to read. Yay?

What he'll dislike more than anything is that I fully plan on pointing out his NON asshole tendencies. See, he thinks he's this cold soul. But, he likes to hide his soft spot. And there is a soft spot. I mean, besides the one between his ears. <jk, jk...maybe. He's a complete nightmare at times, but show him an injured animal and he turns all mushy. You don't really think I have a zoo at home because I'm a collector, do you? .NO I have a zoo because he keeps bringing me pets to rehabilitate. He gets all sappy about them. Then, they get better and he complains about them non friggin stop. Insert asshat here. That does get a bit on the annoying side. I've learned to dread the sound of a ringing phone when he's out running the roads. It usually means he either hit or nearly hit a critter and he's calling to have me arrange a bed for them. I've seen an injured animal bring him to tears. <He's gonna hurt me for that. He's not a complete asshole. He just likes to think he is.

He's not a complete asshole at all. Sometimes, when he's not playing the softie, he skips straight over to dick. There's a fine line between asshole and dickhead, and the Hub has yet to learn the distinction. Like, when he's driving. If a car gets too close, he slows down, just to annoy them. But he has a temper fit if anyone does the same thing to him. Will he move over and let them pass, the way he complains that cars need to do for him? Oh, hell no! He waits for them to try to pass and then he speeds up. Even if there's oncoming traffic. That, my friends, is a dick move. He'll go ballistic if someone flies past just to whip over in front of him, slow down, and turn. Does that stop him from doing the same thing? Noooooooo. It does not.

 God forbid he should be around someone he doesn't like. He's flat out mean. So many poor fools think he's joking. Yeah, not. Sometimes it's hard to tell.

He's a stingy ass, too. He'll buy a boat load of snack foods and then have a cow if the kids get into them. That one doesn't share. Same with video games. I have to pull rank on him. A game system, or just a disc that he hasn't played in a year, is totally off limits to the ACTUAL kids. Why? "They might break it." Are you kidding me? Let the kids play with kids toys, you ASS! That's what they're for! If we're short a pillow, and he has two, he absolutely will NOT give one up for the kid who's pillow-less. "I can't sleep with just one pillow." *Sigh* This is the point where I give my last remaining pillow up to the kid. I've usually already given up one...or two. He feels bad about it and gives me one of his. Ass. He's getting better about consideration, but only because he knows I'll go without and it makes him feel guilty.

The part of being an asshole that he's proud of is the smart ass comebacks. Ok, I'm more than guilty on that count. If you leave yourself open for a cheap shot, one of us is gonna take it. He gets it naturally. His Dad is just as bad, if not worse. The downside to that is that we don't discriminate. If I leave myself open for a smart ass remark, he WILL make one. I will too. So, fair is fair, I guess. I'm just a bitch like that.

So, what can you expect if you're married to an asshole? Constant frustration, for one. An asshole doesn't believe in a "What's good for the goose is good for the gander" world. They believe more in a what's good for me is only good for me, everyone else can kiss my ass, I'll do as I please and if you try I'll go all two year old temper tantrum on you, leave my stuff alone, what's mine is mine what's yours is mine, get out of my way, the road is mine and mine alone, the rules apply to you but never to me, you suck and I don't, world.

A true asshole has something that they believe is confidence, but, the rest of us recognize as cockiness. They believe they are the best at everything, and no one can do better than they can. I've always thought my Hub fit this category. I've told him more than once that I don't need to compliment him, he compliments himself enough for the both of us. And yet, rarely ever compliments me. I've recently learned that his confidence is easy to shatter. That tells me that it's mostly fake. He fully believes he's a sexy beast. There's no doubt about that. It's in his skills that I've seen him falter. I always thought he saw himself as the best of the best. Since he took his first ever sales job, I've seen otherwise. Holy crap! There's a human under all that snark! He's always dogging his intelligence, which irks me about as much as it irks him when I dog my appearance. Now, I'm starting to see just how down on himself he can be. In this, he fails the asshole test.

Now we come to the PC factor. The Hub has this incredible habit of making me regret going out in public with him. He will say anything to anyone at anytime. I keep telling him he's gonna get us shot. You know you've married an asshole if you wear nothing but red...on your face...and it isn't makeup. If they will shout insults and obscenities that are totally rude and uncalled for in the gas station parking lot, at a little old lady blocking the gas pump, with the windows rolled down., OR If, while taking a midnight stroll around town, your Hub begins chanting songs about his penis, at full volume, in a residential neighborhood, you might have married an asshole. Or a three year old. It's a toss up. Gotta love verbal vomit.  If he discloses bits of your sex life to his parents (his freaking parents!) for the sole purpose of embarrassing you, yep, asshole. If he says "Suck my dick" more often than "I love you" and thinks they mean the same thing, he's a dick. I mean, er, asshole. Yeah, that's it.

How about the liar factor? Dear Mother of Pearl and all things Holy, this annoys the piss out of me! I'm lucky enough to have learned the Hubs secrets when it comes to the phone exaggerator. He doesn't succeed with me on this because I call shenanigans on him every time. I can't tell you how many times I've heard him talking to someone on the phone, late as usual, trying to cover his ass about it. Now, really, just friggin be honest! "Yeah, we'll be there in a minute. Heading out the door now." CLICK. My response? "You lying ass! You don't even have your glasses on yet! Why didn't you just TELL your mom you overslept?" He usually shrugs. So, now, when he says something similar, like "I just left the house."  I usually respond with "Does just left the house translate to I'm almost at the front door?" I'll never understand. Why can't an asshole just be honest about where they are in their journey or how long the trip will actually take? If you're gonna be an hour or more, say so! Don't tell me five minutes when you mean 2 hours! If your spouse does this to you, you got it. He's an ass. Is there some unspoken, asshole code that says to be in the club you have to lie your ass off? Really? My favorites, and by favorite I mean the lies that send me straight to rage mode, are the "Protective" lies. The "I didn't tell you because you'd just stress out, and I don't want you to worry" lies. OMG those piss me off in the worst way. They always come out. Usually when it's too late for you to fix the damn problem. Those lies by omission are covered by more lies. Think about it. "I didn't want you to worry" translates to "I didn't want to get my ass chewed when you found out my latest bonehead move". Seriously.

Look at that hairline! The scrape is from his awesome driving skills.

An asshole will find the things that bother a person the most and point them out, regularly, and to their faces. The Hub does this. He'll pinpoint the one flaw a person has, the one they are the most self conscious about, and use it as a weapon. There are plenty of times I have to reign him in just to keep him from hitting someones weak spot and starting an all out war. He doesn't realize that, though it's hilarious to him, it's not so funny to his target. Plenty of men don't like having their bald spot brought to everyone's attention (I go bitch when he does this by pointing out his own lack of hair), their dunlap belly jiggled to make a point, toothless jokes in front of, well, everyone....yeah. He's bad. Most assholes are. You can usually tell when you have a true asshat on your hands. If they have just made some insulting joke, and you throw one back at them, if they best they can come up with is "Shut up." that's an ass. An asshole will continuously make off color jokes around you, even after you've told them that you don't like it and asked them not to. The Hub is bad about using one word that I hate, though the other word I hate (the see you next Tuesday word), he refuses to use around me, trying not to upset me. Why one but not the other? I'd rather hear the "C" word than have the "N" word used around my kids. He'll refrain from one, but to the other. I just don't get it. But, then, assholes don't normally care who they offend. I count mu lucky stars that he halfway listens. He does know that if I use the "C" word it means I'm truly pissed beyond repair.

The delay. Oh how I love the delay. You've married an asshole if it takes six months or more to do a three minute job. You're better off just doing it yourself. Which, by the way, is what the asshole is going after in the first place! Your only other option is to become a nag. That's also a sign. If you've become a nerve grating nag, you married an ass. It kills me, how they get mad at you for nagging them, and don't get that if they'd just do it the first time, or tell the truth about their intentions to never do it at all, they could have avoided it all. If you say "In a minute." do it in a damn minute. If you don't plan on ever doing it, don't say you will! How hard is that? Apparently, for the assholes among us, it's impossible to be logical. That is logical, isn't it? Follow through or be honest? I'm not exaggerating when I say I have nagged my Hub for no less than six month to do something as simple as move a box downstairs for me.

I have to take a minute to get over the pissy ass mood I've just been put in by something that has to be addressed. Men aren't the only assholes. Or the only dickheads. Women are the worst. I am a bitch. I won't deny it. But I'm not the kind of bitch that regularly pisses off everyone around me. Those women aren't bitches. They're asshat douchbag dickheads. (< I actually had to back up and delete the "C" word there.) Sorry, but you know it's true. A word of advice? If you're a female, don't be an asshole. It gives women all over the world a bad name. In fact, it gives human beings a bad name. Someone who goes out of their way is an...no...they aren't assholes. They're douchknockers. They even give assholes a bad name. Being an asshole, being a bitch, can be funny if it's done right. As in, if it's done out of sarcasm and fun, and not out of spite and meanness. If you're mean, you're just mean. No one likes a mean person. Odds are, if you're a mean person, you don't even like yourself. So just don't. It's that simple.

Okay, he asked for this. I mean, he literally asked me to write this. Whatever comes of it is his own fault. If you want to know if you married an asshole, just take a look at mine. Though, if you did marry one, you already know! Welcome. The wives of assholes club meets online every day at...well...when we can boot the assholes in question off of repetitive games of spider solitaire so that we can collectively bitch about what assholes they are. Tomorrows meeting will cover why we love them. No, really, why?